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Gayjokes - Englischsprachige Schwulenwitze

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.
When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."
She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."
The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."
She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."
Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"
The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."
The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.
The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"
He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"
The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"

A man was constipated. It was serious, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor said "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll put one in now and I'll give you another one for later." The man goes home and starts feeling sick again. He asks his wife to put a suppository in. She puts one hand on his shoulder and sticks the suppository in. "AAAAAAAHHHHH!" he screamed. His wife asks him, "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" "No, I just realized that the doctor had both of his hands on my shoulders!"

Q: What's the most sensitive part of your body when you're masturbating?
A: Your ears.

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.
She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. And her father is a doctor.
She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is this wonderful girl's name?"
He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."
There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.
"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
"It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."
"Cool," said the guy, "count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: "Beware of Gays."
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"
In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."

Q: What does a small castle and a tight pair of jeans have in common?
A: No ball room!

Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would men know when to stop?

Q: What is it about the navy and submarines that gay men love so much?
A: The concept of a long, hard cylinder filled with seamen.

Q. What Do You Call A Gay Irishman?
A. A Gay-Lick.

Q. What does eating dicks and the Mafia have in common?
A. One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit!

A guy goes into a bar sits down and asks the bartender to line up ten shots of crown royal. The bartenders asks "What's the happy occasion?" "It's not so happy," the guy replies, "I just found out my older son is gay. "Sorry about that," the bartender replies. A month later the same guy goes to the bar and asks the bartender to line up 20 shots of Crown Royal. The bartender says "I hope it's a happy occasion this time." "Not really," the guy replies, "I just found out my other son is gay." With that he drinks the shots and leaves. Six months later the guy walks into the bar again and asks the bartender to give him the whole bottle instead of lining up shots. The bartender decides to ask the guy a personal question, "Doesn't anybody like pussy in your house?" The guy replies "Yes, my wife does."

Q. Why is it impossible for a woman to find a man who is caring, sensitive, and also good-looking?
A. All those men already have boyfriends.

Q. How do you separate the men from the boys in a gay club?
A. With a crowbar.

A man was constipated. It was serious, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor said "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll put one in now and I'll give you another one for later." The man goes home and starts feeling sick again. He asks has his wife to put a suppository in. She puts one hand on his shoulder and sticks the suppository in. "AAAAAAAHHHHH!" he screamed. His wife asks him, "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" "No, I just realized that the doctor had both of his hands on my shoulders!"

Q. What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Ahhh!"?
A. About three inches.

Q. How is a dick like fishing?
A. Throw back the small ones, eat the medium ones and mount the large ones.

Q: Why is giving a Blow Job a win/lose sitiuation?
A: He may have you at his knees, but you have him by the balls!

Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would men know when to stop?

There were these two friends, one who was gay, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them.
St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her.
The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time."
St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven.
Now it was the second man's turn.
St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her.
The man replied, "Actually I'm gay, but here's a picture of my lover, and I never cheated on him."
St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven.
After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your lover on a skateboard."

Three friends-two straight guys, a gay guy and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned,and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and hiswife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

It's Saturday night and the superheroes are having a party. Everyone is going to be there. Batman, Robin, Spider Man, The Hulk, the whole group. Superman is especially ready to party after a hard week of saving the world. So he throws on his cape and heads off. Along the way, he passes Wonder Woman's penthouse suite. To his surprise, he sees through her open window that she is still at home, naked, lying with her legs apart. Feeling a bit in the mood, he thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly in there, have sex with her and be gone before she knows it." So in an instant, Superman flies in, does the deed, and flies back out, with a great big smile on his face. At this point, Wonder Woman sits up and says, "Did you hear something?" "No," replies the Invisible Man, "but my ass is killing me.

Q. What do men and ceramic tile have in common?
A. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them the rest of your life!

Two guys are walking down the street when they come across a dog licking its balls. The first fellow says "I wish I could do that!" The other fellow responds "If you pat him on the head he might let you."

One day a trucker is driving the last leg of a very long road trip when he sees a hitchhiker on the side of the road. He picks up the hitchhiker and they drive on. Hitchhiker says thats a cool pet monkey you have there. Trucker says yeah hes cool wanna see him do a trick?? Hitchhiker says sure. So the trucker hits the monkey on the back of the head and the monkey starts giving the trucker a blow job. Anyway the trucker cums then asks the hitchhiker if hed like to give it a try. Hitchhiker stops and thinks a moment then says sure, but you dont have to hit me on the head

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"
The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

100 Reasons to be Gay
--------------------------------

1. You truly don't care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets.
4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.
7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.
8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. You really have "been there, done that."
10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
11. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous."
12. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
13. You can have naked men you don't know in your home.
14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
16. You understand why the good Lord didn't intend everyone to wear it.
17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.
18. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff.
19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
20. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
23. You've always got an opinion.
24. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. You know how to dress strategically.
26. Your car has an amusing female name.
27. You're the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.
28. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.
29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
30. You know that sex complicates things. So?
31. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't actually an insult.
32. There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what to tell you.
34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. You have at least one movie musical on video.
36. You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
39. You know how to make an entrance.
40. You know when to make an exit.
41. You worry about people you don't even know - like Liza Minnelli.
42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. You know how to program your VCR.
44. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
48. You know when to play dumb.
49. You know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, you do have a condom.
51. You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to you:
a) You adore Judy Garland
b) You hate Judy Garland
c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
e) You don't give a damn about Judy Garland.
f) Who is Judy Garland?
53. You can supply the last names to the following list:
a) Bernadette
b) Chita
c) Barbra
54. You made Donna Summer a star.
55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for you.
57. You've made sunbathing a performance art.
58. You know when the party's over.
59. You know where to go after the party's over.
60. You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When you hear "a stitch in time saves nine" you think of
a) Your grandma
b) Your face lift
c) John Wayne Bobbit
62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your "roommate."
64. You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn't necessarily a compliment.
65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
66. If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian.
67. If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian.
68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like "Stand by your man".
69. You've been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
72. You have a favorite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.
73. You've left someone totally speechless.
74. You've shaved something other than your face.
75. All your friends do not have to "get along".
76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
77. Your love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
79. You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. You've got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in your kitchen drawer.
82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
83. At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls.
84. You know your enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he's right there in the shower.
86 You're Barbra Streisand's biggest fan.
87. You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
88 Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added side dishes.
89. You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, and "important issues" can be about hair.
90. You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. You know, by heart, every line in:
a) All about Eve
b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show
c) Your face
94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supreme's song.
97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if you're in Kansas, you're not in Kansas anymore.
99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.

A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, "We've blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in his hand.
Next, it was the birthday boy's turn. He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, "Well, I'd like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

Q. What is the dumbest part of a man's body?
A. The penis -- it's got no brains, its friends are two nuts, and it lives next to an asshole.

"Smoking Dope or Doing Time"
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge asked the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor," he replied, "I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs, and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?" he asked the second boy.
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach," he answered. "I drew a large and a small circle. Pointing to the small circle, I said, this is your asshole before you go to prison..........."

The Elephant's Thing
Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don''t laugh. He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It just so happened that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the elephant. Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: "Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."
Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full. Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000." "Yeah, he''s out back"
After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was LAUGHING!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant laugh.
A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading: "Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000." Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from laughing. Seeing as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see the elephant.
In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.
"Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it."

A GAY OLD TIME
Five guys were in a bar. Feeling slightly sloshed, they started to argue with each other about the size of their penises. Eventually the discussion escalated into a full-blown argument, with each man thinking his penis was the biggest. The bartender suggested, "Put them on the bar so we can compare."
The drunks did just that. Shortly, a gay man came in the bar, looked around, and said to the bartender, "I think I'll have the buffet."

GAY BOYS
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

ONE LINERS

How can you make a gay man scream twice?
Fuck him real hard. Then wipe your dick off on his curtains.

Why did the little Greek boy run away from home?
He didn''t like the way he was being reared.

Why do so many gays have moustaches?
To hide the stretch marks.

Did you hear about the homosexual electron? Went around blowing fuses.
Did you hear about the homosexual letter? Only came in male boxes.

What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 goverment employees in one room?
100 people that don''t do dick!

Did you hear about the two lesbians who bought an organ so they could play hymns?
What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A fruit stand.

What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common? They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters? All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.

What''s the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo? At a straight rodeo everyone yells, "Ride that sucker"

FERRY BOAT
Two Gays are standing on a bridge watching ships pass by underneath them.
One says to the other..."What kind of ship is that?" "Container ship."
"OK, what''s that one over there?" "Oil Tanker."
"How about that one?" "That''s a ferry boat."
"Really? I knew we were strong, but I never knew we had our own NAVY!"

PARATROOPER
A young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper.
"Dad" he says, "on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergent standing behind me told me that if I didn''t jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of dick up my ass."
"Well did you jump?" asks his dad.
"Just a little at first" answered the boy.

EVERYBODY IS GAY
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."
The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I''ve just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I''ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn''t anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

Two Gay Guys
Two gay guys were in the shower together when one looked down and saw a puddle of white liquid.
He said to the other man What did I tell you about farting in the shower?

Travel Voucher
An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a US Air flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.
Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the US Air employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?"
The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"
The flight attendent said, "I''m sorry, but you''ll have to get off the plane."
At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you''ve made a mistake - I''m Gay!"
Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I''m gay too! They can''t throw us all off!"

Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?
They kept trying each other.

A man dies and goes to Hell where he is greeted by the devil: Devil: Hey, why are you bumming out?
Man: If you died and went to Hell, you''d be bumming out too.
Devil: Hell isn''t what you think it is. It's fun down here. Say, do you drink?
Man: Sure, I love to drink. Why?
Devil: Well, you''re gonna love Mondays then. Because on Mondays, all we do here is drink. Hell, we have whiskey, tiquila, rum, vodka, all the booze you want to drink. We drink til we puke then we drink more.
Man: Ah, that sounds great.
Devil: Do you smoke?
Man: Damn right I do.
Devil: Cool! You''re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. Smoke all you want. You don''t have to worry about getting cancer because you''re already dead anyways.
Man: No shit!
Devil: You like gambling?
Man: Hell yeah!
Devil: Great! On Wednesdays, we have gambling night here in Hell. We have slot machines, roulette, craps, black jack, horse racing, you name it, we got it, and we just recently opened up a new pai gow poker table.
Man: Hmmmmmmmmmmm, I never played pai gow poker before.
Devil: Now you can. You like to get stoned?
Man: I love getting stoned! You mean...
Devil: That''s right man, because on Thursdays, it''s stoner night here in Hell! Help yourself to a huge bowl of crack, smoke a joint the size of a nuclear sub, do all the drugs you want and you don''t have to worry about overdosing because you''re already dead anyhow.
Man: Awesome! I never thought Hell was one swinging place!
Devil: Are you gay?
Man: Uh, no.
Devil: Oooh, you''re gonna hate Fridays!

Two older, suburban, homosexual gentlemen had been living together for a couple of years, and were getting quite bored with their lives. They were looking at little knickknacks at a garage sale in the Castro, when one of them (Scott) stumbled upon what appeared to be a rare find.
"Look Jim, I just found the most fabulous...pot, or, I dont know what it is! It is It''s pretty filthy, but I bet it would look great in our living room!"
Jim agreed, and they purchased the object. Apparently, the holder of the sale had no idea just how valuable a thing he had on his hands, because he sold it for $10.
Later that night, Scott decides he wants to dust off this old thing. To his surprise, what he thought was an old piece of pottery was in fact made of what appeared to be gold!
"Honey, come here!" he yelled.
Jim came running, and Scott continued to polish, until POOF!- A huge creature appears in their living room! Both men scream.
"Do not be frightened!" The creature says. "I am the genie of the lamp, and you have freed me from 1000 years imprisonment by an evil sorceress. I will grant the two of you a total of three wishes as thanks!"
The two take some time to gather themselves. They stare blankly at the genie, at each other, and at the lamp for a few minutes. Finally, Jim says, "Do we have to give all three now?" "Very well," the genie replies. "You have three days in which to ask for your wishes." With that, the genie vanished.
The next day, the couple decided that they would each get one wish, and would pick the one together. They decided to first to ask for wealth. When they woke up the next day, Scott found out that he had won $100 million in the lottery, and Jim discovered that he was a distant cousin of the Sultan of Brunei. The Sultan had just died, and left Jim $500 million.
That same day Scott asked for beauty. When they awoke the next morning (in their fabulous new Belvadere Mansion), they were both stunning. Jim was a full 6 inches taller, looked twenty-five again, but was more beautiful than he had ever been at that or any age. Scott lost all his blemishes, 50 pounds, and looked like a cross between his old self and a GQ model.
Finally, it was Jims turn. Around midnight on the third day, Scott asked Jim what he was going to wish. But Jim had ALWAYS been finicky. It once took him five hours to decide whether to buy a pillow case in grape or aubergine.
"Hurry and think of something before its too late!" Scott said. Jim decided he needed time to think, so he went off to the veranda to ponder this important decision.
Just that moment, Scott heard a loud banging at the door. "Who is it?" he says. "Open up boy! We gone kill you!!", a southern-accented voice replies. Scott looks through the window and sees men in white hoods on horses, burning crosses on his lawn.
"Honey! Honey! COME QUICK!!!! The KKK is outside our door!" Jim runs over.
"What in the world are THEY doing in Marin County-I thought this place was liberal-well, I'll call the police!" Jim says. But the phones are DEAD! The Klansmen had cut the lines!
"HONEY! WISH THEY WOULD GO AWAY! USE YOU LAST WISH TO MAKE THEM GO AWAY!" Scott screams.
"I can't" he replies, as he slumps to the floor, and the Klansmen begin knocking down the door.
"WHY NOT?!"
Jim paused and replied, "Because I ALREADY wished that we could be hung like black men."

Q: How do you know when it''s bedtime at Michael Jackson''s home?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q: What do you call a gay bar with no place to sit?
A: A fruit stand.

Q: Why did the gay man get a job at the loading dock?
A: He loved taking deliveries in the rear.

Q: Why do gay men make good linemen?
A: They love penetrating the defense.

Q: Why couldn''t the gay quarterback make it in the NFL?
A: He was too foreward with his passes.

Q: What do you call a fart in the men''s room of a gay bar?
A: A love call.

Q: Why did the gay criminal keep going back to prison?
A: He loved it in the can.

Q: What do you call a man with a 12-inch penis in Japan?
A: A foreigner.

Two firefighters are buttfucking in a smoke filled room.
The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!"
The Firefighter says "well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation."
The Chief says "why didn''t you give him mouth to mouth"
The Firefighter says "How do you think this shit got started?

The residents of a small redneck town urge the sheriff to arrest the local homosexual. Seems he's been propositioning all the teenage boys in town.
The sheriff ditfully arrests the fag and says to him, "ok homo, you got 15 minutes to blow this town!"
The fag says, "I'll need at least two hours."

Three ducks went into court. The judge called the first one to the stand.
"What is your name?" he asked.
"Quack." the duck answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was blowing bubbles." he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"Quack," the duck answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was blowing bubbles." the duck replied.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack." he said.
"No," said the duck, "My name is Bubbles."

Q. What's the difference between a micro-wave and a homosexual?
A. A micro-wave doesn't brown your meat.

Q. What does eating dicks and the Mafia have in common?
A. One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit!

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Bronto-Sore-Ass

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